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Women Like Me Have Been Doing Mutual Aid Since Before it was “Mutual Aid”
“I didn’t know why I wanted to protect my brother, and why no one could protect me. I didn’t understand what happens to people when they are just trying to survive. I couldn’t have told you that, as a girl, I felt like I had a duty to my family, a responsibility that was God given or something close to it. As if I was the only one who could save us.” — Bobi Conn, In the Shadow of the Valley
When I wrote my memoir, I spent a lot of time reflecting on my experiences as a girl and young woman who often felt responsible for the happiness of everyone around me. This impulse to “save” everyone was a result of childhood dysfunction and abuse, as I desperately wanted to save my father from his demons, and I felt a need to protect the rest of us from the impact of those demons. That sense of responsibility as a child was too much to bear, and it led me to unhealthy relationships and unrealistic notions of what it means to love.
As an adult, I discovered how important it was to unlearn that sense of responsibility for others’ emotions and happiness. However, I also found that I am part of a loose collective of women who provide support for other families. I benefited from, and contributed to, a mutual aid network — long before “mutual aid” became a Covid relief buzzword, and before I had ever heard the…
